Okay, so maybe it wasn't a million times but twice I've felt real love, someone I want to marry, someone I want to spend my life with, to buy a car with, to have kids with. And both times when I realized that I was only the age I was at I would talk myself out of it.
My first love, Danny. Wanted me to marry him and he would go into the army because "with me by his side he could accomplish anything" that pushed me away but made it hard for me to leave. After realizing he treated me poorly I left.
My second love to date, jake. Told me he would marry me. I would have too, but then college came and I thought well I'm only 20. I was still living with my mom and was in a weird place for myself. The tough part about leaving him was he helped me; he helped me be okay with eating again. He was my rock and I still love him, but I know after hurting him he is better off without me. I hope you are well, jake. I love you.
But thinking about it, recently, mostly because I'm always searching for it. I want to find someone I'm truly content with but I know i won't be happy tied down. It's a horrible feeling realizing that it's my true nature to be alone. I'm hoping I change to someone who can be happy with a person one day in the future. Not soon because I need to figure myself out but maybe in 5 years when I've grown up a bit more.
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