I also figured out what has been bothering me. The fact that I feel the need to "want" a guy in my life. I honestly hate it. I pride myself on not needing a guy or wasting my tears on them, because I've been fucked over by so many in my past or I've fucked them over. Honestly karma might as well call it even. Maybe I'm just too guarded when it comes to those of the opposite sex. I've dealt with plenty of guys in my past and I don't need to deal with them again. I wish I didn't have this want to feel wanted.
I've been struggling with my weight again. I'm not over weight by any means, I'm actually under. But where some weight lies is my problem. And maybe it has to do with that. Maybe I feel I am disproportionate, or just "fat". I've struggled my entire middle school and high school life and finally found a happy medium, but once I move I found an old enemy waiting to be resurfaced.
I can't go and starve myself like I used to because if I pass out no one will be there to help me. This was a general problem I had in highschool. I wouldn't eat until I passed out. And it's not like I enjoyed passing out. It's the worse feeling in the world and then you have to take the day to reciprocate, god that's such a waste of time. But something about not eating gave me some control over my life at the time, so sort of way to just have something constant in my life. Like I was tough enough to endure my parents fighting over me. Or my parents ignoring me. Or someone having problems with me. It was just something to I alone could control. And the problem I've come to, is I'm want to welcome it back into my life.
Allowing this timid monster to come back to me would be like signing my soul over again. I worked so hard as Constantine did to get to heaven. That by saying yes to this devil it's like a giant slap in the face.
"I find it kinda funny and I find it kinda sad..."
... That if I had a guy who cared about me to tell me I'm not disporportionate, that I'm not ugly, that I'm at least decent looking. I wouldn't be feeling this way.
This is why I pride myself on being independent. This is why I hate myself right now. I blame everything on being homesick. But in the end I'm just a lonly angsty girl who has nothing but her best friend and money.
There's no way of making this sound decent. There's no way in making me sound good at this point because I honestly feel digested in myself for even typing any of this. One good thing I know; my best friend loves me and is be lost with out her.
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