Lostgirlnicole

This has been my longest running screen name here on the internet and I love it very much. 

Lostgirlnicole

I first got the idea because I'm a huge Peter Pan fan, and if there were lost boys, why couldn't there be lost girls? But it's grown to so much more for me. 

Being a lost girl still always goes back to wishing I was taken away to neverland, but I also get lost while driving or going anywhere in life, and some times getting lost makes for the best adventures. I've found that out so many times over and over and I refuse to be found. Moving north has made me so lost and it's the thrill of not knowing my surroundings and have to adventure out and figure out where I am, that I crave. 

I also know that I lose my way to an actual future with a job and salary and family but I always find my way back to it. And when I do it makes it better everytime to realize what I'm trying to achieve. Being lost is a blessing for me.

If you ever get lost, look at it as the universe saying "hey, slow your roll kid. You have your entire life to figure it out" far to often we think we need to settle down right away, and yes everyone's life is different. But if you haven't found someone yet, or you just got out of a bad relationship, or you are just lost, don't worry about it. Everything will come to you in time. The universe knows what it can throw at you. 

Just enjoy being lost 

Once you accept your life and what hand you've been delt, peace comes to you and you can start being one with the world.

Here's a cool pic I took when I got lost today. The storm was coming in right at this time and it was just so perfect. 

Find something that you fall in love with everyday. 

Take one day at a time. 

I had sworn of shows but i just can't stay away.

I decided about a year and half ago that I wasn't going to continue to buy tickets to go to shows to see local bands play. 

It wasn't because of the local bands trust me if I could bring their music with me everywhere I totally would! 

I just couldn't stand the dirty looks I would get or how much shit we talked. It was horrible. Everyone judged everyone...harshly. So that's when I decided to stop going 

Moving to WV and having friends who are in a band I go to support them, because I think it's better if you just support people rather than put them down. I would want them to support me in whatever i do. "Do to others what you want done to you". And wv doesn't seem like such a judgmental place. Maybe it's because I don't know many people yet but that's okay. I'd rather be blind to it. 

But for those of you who care here are a few pictures of the show last night. I got to see sworn enemy and it was like FLhawdcore all over again. Except no fucking crowd killing that seems to be a cool thing I guess. Fuck that noise. Also, the boys in Get With It! Deserve a big shout out because they played with with most metal bands and they didn't think everyone would like them but they were a hit. Great job boys. Bringing my camera next time!

Get with it

Alex

Get with it

Sworn enemy

What's love got to do with it

I've been in love once... Or twice... Or a million times. 

Okay, so maybe it wasn't a million times but twice I've felt real love, someone I want to marry, someone I want to spend my life with, to buy a car with, to have kids with. And both times when I realized that I was only the age I was at I would talk myself out of it. 

My first love, Danny. Wanted me to marry him and he would go into the army because "with me by his side he could accomplish anything" that pushed me away but made it hard for me to leave. After realizing he treated me poorly I left. 

My second love to date, jake. Told me he would marry me. I would have too, but then college came and I thought well I'm only 20. I was still living with my mom and was in a weird place for myself. The tough part about leaving him was he helped me; he helped me be okay with eating again. He was my rock and I still love him, but I know after hurting him he is better off without me. I hope you are well, jake. I love you.

But thinking about it, recently, mostly because I'm always searching for it. I want to find someone I'm truly content with but I know i won't be happy tied down. It's a horrible feeling realizing that it's my true nature to be alone. I'm hoping I change to someone who can be happy with a person one day in the future. Not soon because I need to figure myself out but maybe in 5 years when I've grown up a bit more. 

Coppers Rock was legit

Last night I received a call from my good friend Pat, we had a nice conversation, and it made me miss him and my winter down south. We had everything and everything was good, but things have changed and we've both moved on and it's lovely that we stay in touch.

He told me to go to Coppers Rock today, before work. It was a great idea on his part, so if you happen to see this Patty, Thanks kid.

Being there, in nature, made me realize that everything doesn't have to be complicated. It can all be as simple as a beautiful outside day. It was quite, calm, and peaceful. If I had more time there I would have gone father, but where I walked was good enough for me. 

Today nature taught me to just relax and take a deep breath, to step away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life and just enjoy and relish in the outdoors. Nature reminded me of growing up, playing outside in the trees and making mud pies, trips to Jersey and eating honeysuckle, visiting North Carolina and going hiking and horseback riding.  If I could have a job that allowed me to enjoy the outdoors as much as I have while growing up. My life would be complete.

I'm working everyday to feeling peace within myself. I lost it when I left Florida, and I'm trying my hardest to get it back.

Pittsburgh

We went to Pittsburgh the other day for pride fest, but it ended up being the next day which sucked. But we walked around; it was neato. 

The Nitty Gritty

Tonight we threw a surprise party for my best friend of 8 years/ roommate galore Amanda. It was awesome and turned out really well. Thank you to everyone who came out.

I also figured out what has been bothering me. The fact that I feel the need to "want" a guy in my life. I honestly hate it. I pride myself on not needing a guy or wasting my tears on them, because I've been fucked over by so many in my past or I've fucked them over. Honestly karma might as well call it even. Maybe I'm just too guarded when it comes to those of the opposite sex. I've dealt with plenty of guys in my past and I don't need to deal with them again. I wish I didn't have this want to feel wanted. 

I've been struggling with my weight again. I'm not over weight by any means, I'm actually under. But where some weight lies is my problem. And maybe it has to do with that. Maybe I feel I am disproportionate, or just "fat". I've struggled my entire middle school and high school life and finally found a happy medium, but once I move I found an old enemy waiting to be resurfaced. 

I can't go and starve myself like I used to because if I pass out no one will be there to help me. This was a general problem I had in highschool. I wouldn't eat until I passed out. And it's not like I enjoyed passing out. It's the worse feeling in the world and then you have to take the day to reciprocate, god that's such a waste of time. But something about not eating gave me some control over my life at the time, so sort of way to just have something constant in my life. Like I was tough enough to endure my parents fighting over me. Or my parents ignoring me. Or someone having problems with me. It was just something to I alone could control. And the problem I've come to, is I'm want to welcome it back into my life.

Allowing this timid monster to come back to me would be like signing my soul over again. I worked so hard as Constantine did to get to heaven. That by saying yes to this devil it's like a giant slap in the face. 

"I find it kinda funny and I find it kinda sad..." 

... That if I had a guy who cared about me to tell me I'm not disporportionate, that I'm not ugly, that I'm at least decent looking. I wouldn't be feeling this way. 

This is why I pride myself on being independent. This is why I hate myself right now. I blame everything on being homesick. But in the end I'm just a lonly angsty girl who has nothing but her best friend and money.

There's no way of making this sound decent. There's no way in making me sound good at this point because I honestly feel digested in myself for even typing any of this. One good thing I know; my best friend loves me and is be lost with out her. 

Nothing happend

Today I went to the outlet mall and bought some clothes with the money I don't have. Then me and Amanda drove some road and ended up in Fairmont. It was nice. We took pictures like the hipster kids we are and it was enjoyable. 

 

That was about it for my day, it wasn't very interesting or eventful. It was just a nice enjoyable day. I think tomorrow I'm gonna go to the gym. 

I wish I had a really interesting story to write about tonight but I don't. I just check twitter all day and wish people actually liked me but they don't and I'm no one special. 

Anyways...

Tomorrow I go to see my friends band play in clarksburg, if anyone is in clarksburg tomorrow doors open at 5:30 show starts at 6:30 they are pretty cool I guess. 

Here's a picture of Get With It!

Unplanned drive to PA

When I woke up this morning it was pouring out. it wasn't a hard pour just one of those light sounding pours with soft thunder. I woke up like when your a kid in elementary school and your mom comes in and sits softly on your bed and gently rubs your back. It was glorious in all senses. I got up got dressed made cinnamon rolls that I didn't burn (finally!) and I set out to the Kroger down the street. When I left, I turned right instead of going straight. I had time to explore a little and since I didn't really know where I was living I decided to just drive.

I drove for thirty minutes and ended up somewhere called cheat lake, I got out and took some pictures, then I got back in the car and off I went. I drove for an hour and a half stopping a long the way to get pictures of different places. This was all so different from Florida, the buildings, the roads, the smells. I got to see a total of 3 (alive) deer. On my way back I saw these giant windmills that are used to generate energy. I've only ever seen them in a science textbook that had writing in it. Seeing them in action was a wicked experience. 

Everything was so green and beautiful.

I'm Doing a Thing.

I'm not too sure why I'm starting this blog, I've started millions of others and I've never kept up on them. I never once went back to them. I think its because I look at it as part of my "childhood" that was stupid and needs to be buried deep in the ground with Elvis and Marilyn. Let's just get this dumb introduction over with so you can identify with me in some way or another. I'm twenty-one years old, I recently moved to WV and as much as I think I have my life in order, I truly do not. I'm a star wars addict, and as much as I'm very happy about the movies, I firmly believe the mouse should have just 'let it go'. The most important thing you need to know is that I don't care what others think. It's taken me twenty-one years to figure out that as long as you care about yourself, you don't care what others think or believe. I'm unsure if this makes me a bitch, but if it does, I gladly accept that title. My dad always told to me "hold my head high, don't look at the ground that makes you an easy target." Its hard when you are like seven and going threw your first friendship breakup, but I found that when I held my head high everyone hated you more because you wouldn't give them the satisfaction of being bullied. what I'm trying to say is, don't give anyone the satisfaction of bringing you down, show them how tall you really are.